Been in a sad place lately thinking of the 'what ifs' and the 'what could have beens'. and 'what will be's'. Secondary Infertility is a really lonely place with few understanding allies. Hearing about yet another pregnant friend, just crushes me, the injustice of it all! Me, who was made to have the Brady Bunch, me who at my 6-week check-up after my first child was born was only eager to know when I could have sex again. Me with my 'big happy family' pictue, me with my plans. Me, with nothing going according to that planned 'picture'. Me, with the 'want' and 'desire'. Why not me?
I had a bad day today, kind of fell apart. I am tired. Exhausted from 2 and a half years of this baby-drive. The fact that I having a dull-throbbing-ache (Hydrosalpinx) is certainly not helping my state of mind either.
One of my dearest, bestest, understanding and most supportive friends is soon-to-be jumping on the IVF train, and I have this envious joy for her. The hope and the silver-lining that you can so see in Round 1, it's the best, the thrill of knowing that you have reached the point-of-no-return, this is it! IVF, miracle of all miracles, that elusive pregnancy SO within your reach.
I have lost that wonderous hopeful feeling that you get with the first IVF, and which slowly fades after each successive failure. I am not seeing that silver lining as brightly as I saw it one year ago, 3 IVF's ago. My pain and despair sometimes feels so lonely, mourning a child that would have been three months now, a child that could have been. And how many 'expired' embryos down the line? How many other 'maybes' that didn't make it.
So, it was with a heavy heart, that I joined my IVF support group this evening. Tissues on hand, I expected a wet evening. Proud to say though, I was very well behaved AND walked out with a lighter heart. My next cycle should be starting in a week and my terror at the possibility of having a lapartotomy to remove the lhs Fallopian tube if this IVF does NOT work is consuming me entirely. I am looking too far ahead. I am using too much mental energy on the Long term solution and not the Short term. I need to change my brainwaves, inject a positive gooey outlook, and beleive that this time it will work! So with a little bit of my 'Oomph' back, I bid you Good night. The donor is on a snorers-sabbatical, so now is my chance to try and fall asleep in peace, and hopefully stay that way.
HYDROSALPINX INFORMATION
"Q: In which cases does removal of the fallopian tubes improve the outcome?
A: In recent years, impressive evidence has shown that hydrosalpinx (swollen fallopian tubes, filled with fluid) can reduce chances of implantation. It seems that the reason for this is that the fluid in the fallopian tubes contains inflammatory products that leak into the abdominal cavity and damage the embryo trying to implant itself in the endometrium. In cases of recurrent failure of IVF therapy, the condition of the fallopian tubes should always be assessed using a hysterosalpingogram and ultrasound scan. If the state of the fallopian tubes is very poorly, and might affect the implantation of the embryos, the benefit of their removal should be considered. The removal of oneor both fallopian tubes is performed by laparoscopy, where a laparoscope (a fine telescope) is inserted through an umbilical incision."
