So Dr. Hand-Job (thanks Judy - http://averyopenbook.blogspot.com/- for the really good giggle)says that I am fit and fertile as a fiddle (if fiddles could be fertile). And, again, according to him I "will be pregnant within the next few months".

The coolest part was seeing the photo's he took during the Lapscope. I got to see the very rotten 'before' pic of my left hand side, and then the 'after', which looked exactly the same. Next I have to discuss with the Profman at next weeks' appointment how exactly to proceed from now. The Frozen Five ARE calling. After more than two and a half years of trying to conceive, it is going to be a hard-sell, convincing me to 'wait and let nature take its' course'.

I am single parenting again, the Donor has been back in SA for the past week and is now on a plane back to China until just before Pesach. Right now I have a sleeping angel next to me. Adam has an eye-infection, we put drops in tonight at bed-time, and I told him to ask Hashem (G-d) to make his eyes better, he said he would also ask Him to make me better. "Yaladim ze Simcha, Yaladim ze Bracha"!

Significant other information:

1. Adam lost another tooth. The Tooth Fairy brought 20 Shekels this morning.
2. Cat (of non-existent mouse-catching fame) looks a whole lot thinner, so I assume she has had her kittens. I hope far far away.

God told the Jews to "go forth and multipy". And they are. Winter was cold and now everyone is pregnant, there are bursting little tummies and big fat exploding tummies everywhere. It really is so beautiful. Not sure if it is Israeli's or Jews, but having children is like a national sport here. There is this great song from like 25 years ago by a famous Israeli singer that goes: "Yaladim ze simcha, yaladim ze bracha" meaning 'Children, that is joy; Children, that is a blessing'.

I had a bad week end, I am sure it was evident from my last post. Everyone has ups and downs, no exception with me. I found myself questioning everything, my life, my level of reigious observance, my choices, my parenting, the list goes on. The 'why's' and meanings of 'it all'. Too much thinking! I have picked myself up and hurled myself into the Pre-Pesach chaos of Israel. More rushing, more cleaning, more preparing. Regarding the annual Pesach clean, I am on a go-slow, the post-operative me has decided to just chill.

Tonight I am going for my check-up with the surgeon, hopefully it will NOT be a repeat of the ghastly 'hand job' from last time. And hopefully I will be told that I am now bursting with bubbling fertility.

Crap long and sick week.

The chest infection/cough turned my week into a haze of coughing and spluttering sick Me-ness. Husbandless again. And for two more weeks. Sick of coughing and sick of feeling sick. Sick of being told that I should be grateful as I "have two beautiful, healthy children". Like I don't know that! Like I don't know that I am blessed beyond words to actually have two children. Why do people feel the need to point out something which is so totally obvious to me? Am I not allowed to hope for more children just because I already have two? Am I supposed to NOT try so hard?

New resolve - not to be so free with information about myself and my feelings. Not to share so much. Not to wear my heart on my sleeve. Not to share my hopes and wishes for more children. Try and be a bit more private. Censor all this fertility stuff. There are those that 'get it' and those that just dont.

I understand me. I understand that there is nothing unrealistic with hoping that one day my son will have a brother and my daughter will have a sister. Something that I never had, and because I never had it, I know and understand the need for it.