I feel like I have composed this Blog forever, from even before I actually fell pregnant. I imagined this moment with such intense clarity, it was a dream; a sometimes very unreachable dream, to actually officially announce that my time had come. That all the hoping and wishing and praying had had some use. And now, that my story will finally have that happy ending. Through my hardest 'fertility moments' the only thought that kept me going was that there was NO way that I could be put through what I had been through and not to have my happy ending one day. Well, Please G-d, this IS it.
So to fill-in the gaps, my Embryo Transfer took place on 16 May, due to my Veteran-fertility status, Profman put back 4 embryos. I wasn't being too ambitious I prayed for just one to take, just make one find their 'home' inside me. My sweet little twin/multiple fantasy had fizzled out ages ago.
I did a urine sample the day before I was scheduled to do the blood test, and to my absolute unbeleivable shock two lines appeared. No way! My Donor was away and I called him shaking and crying, and not beleiving that this could actually be true. When I think back to my frist ever pregnancy, I remember doing the urine sample and never once questioning that it did not mean what it meant. Now the jaded-me knows all to well that two lines on a urine sample does not mean a pregnancy, and that a positive blood test does not guarantee a baby, and not even a 6 week beating heart on an ultrasound does not equal baby. I guess this is what maturity does to you, I would have preferred not being so very mature. That inncoent thrill of beleiving what you see alludes me. Even after the next day, when I did the Beta Hcg to test exactly how much pregnancy hormone I had in my blood, I couldn't beleive it. It was 173, which is really high. I had to do the Beta again two days later to see that it had doubled, this would be the only sign of a 'strong' pregnancy, it had almost tripled, and I still couldn't beleive it.
I was scheduled for an ultrasound to confirm if 'anything' was there two weeks later. You think the two-week-wait after the embryo transfer is agony, well this is just pure unadulterated torture. Two weeks of wondering, and hoping and pleading with G-d. I went with my Donor for that scan, I faced the wall shaking, defying the ultrasound screen, tears streaming down my face. All I heard was the Profman saying, there are TWO sacs, and there are TWO heartbeats. I still couldn't face the screen, Profman jolted me out of it and practically shouted at me (Israeli's!!) and said: "Look!!" and there I fell in love with two tiny little blobs, just blobs with no distinguishable anything, just a fluttering heart-beat. Could I beleive it now??
Once back at home in an unbeleiving haze, Google-monster-me took to my computer and googled anything twin-like. Amongst a million other things I found out about Vanishing Twin Syndrome, where you can 'lose' a twin. Usually in the first trimester; at one scan you can see two heartbeats and then at the next only one remains. The one gets absorbed by the other. Trauma sets in and I decide I am going for scans every single week, and this is what I have done up until 10 weeks. Seeing the blobs transforming, into: maybe a head, maybe a leg, is that an arm etc, and ofcourse seeing corresponding heart beats, allow me sleep for the next 7 days.
That was up until last week when I had my above pictured scans. I still cannot actually beleive it when I say it. Kind of like when you get married and you get that thrill everytime you refer to the person who was your forever-boyfriend as your now, husband. Like you have to pinch yourself. Is this me, is this actually my life? Did this really happen, am I really really having not one, but TWO babies.
Between me, Adam and Noam, we have told the family dog, the owner of the grocery store, the waitress in the nearby restaurant and almost every single body else that we know. I have been showered with baby-tummy-kisses from my children, it's almost like a competition between the two of them, who can give the babies more kisses. And ofcourse intense speculation as to what we are having, is it another brother and sister, or sister and sister, or brother and brother? What will they look like? I am a really European-whitey, and the Donor is of 'dark chocolate' Yemenite origin, will one be blonde with green eyes and the other be something out of 'Lawrence of Arabia'? Well we are all going to have to patiently wait, as we will only know in about 6 months. So the countdown begins!
I am not going to use up any space complaining about symptoms, of which there are many, none of them deserve any mention whatsoever. My prayers were answered, and all I can do is celebrate every single day which brings me closer to seeing, touching and smelling my two new loves. I am realistic enough to know that this will probrably be my last pregnancy, and it's okay, I am just so grateful for being given one more chance.
Dear G-d, keep them safe and keep them healthy.
