Friday, March 28

It's all over.

The operation went ahead successfully on Thursday night. I have four neat little incisions on my stomach. As expected, my left hand side Fallopian Tube (with Hydrosalpinx) was completely removed, along with the lasering of the Endometriosis and Adhesions. It is now three days later. I was home the next day, I still am a bit uncomfortable, not really sore just like a pulling feeling in my stomach. I feel totally exhausted and have spent most of the time sleeping. I spoke to the Surgeon again this evening, he said that he was very happy with the outcome of the operation. My left hand side is really screwed though, even the ovary is past its' 'sell by date', there is still a chance that I could fall pregnant naturally from the right hand side which apparently looks 'beautiful'. I have to schedule a check up appointment next week with him, and then I can contact my Profman to find out my next step. I still have my 5 frozen embryo's eagerly awaiting their turn, and I really want to try them first.

I unfortunately have picked up some kind of chest infection, so I have been coughing almost non-stop since the operation. Hardly condusive to a speedy recovery after abdominal surgery.

China, and the 'East' is a distant memory. It was great being with the Donor, but I am not a fan of anything 'Eastern', ie the smells, food, spitting. I was really happy to get back to the relatively civilised 'Middle East', back to this place that I am happily calling 'home' now. Seven days too long without my children.

Wednesday, March 26


We got back late last night. My Blog was not accessible from China. Apparently my ramblings are of a highly sensitive anti-China tone, and I have to be censored.

I was ACHING to just smell and touch my children. Seven days too too long!

About to totally crash right now, two facts I have to share.

1. My cat (of non-existent mouse-catching fame) is pregnant. Theoretically, she is still a 'toddler'.

2. My long-awaited operation is scheduled for tommorrow evening at 7pm.

Full report on the past week to follow.

Too tired to blink. Hard, long emotional day. We had the 'shloshim' (Jewish mourning, one month following the passing, all the friends and relatives go back to the grave again) for our friend that died. I simply cannot beleive that it is a month already, I haven't even had time to actually let this sink in yet, and already a month.

Sunday, March 16

This past week I got my first really ugly comment. I have not published the comment, I am still trying to figure out if I perhaps should.

I wonder how easy it is to 'lash' out at someone 'anonymously', someone who is a complete stranger. My first reaction was of real shock, as it was so clear to me in my head what I had written, what my intentions had been. I knew what I meant. It upset me to think that maybe I had offended someone so unwillingly, that through my words I had the 'means' to unintentionally cause such a reaction from a total stranger.

The people who know me who read this Blog know who I am. They know 'where I came from' and they know 'where I have been'. When complete strangers read my Blog they have a tiny window into my life, a tiny portion which I choose to reveal and therefore have no idea who the 'me' is other than the 'infertile me'. The other 'me' is a Mother (mostly single) who is daily thankful for having the life that lets me be a full-time Mother to my children. This is the 'job' that I waited for my whole life. I was born to be a Mother. Being a Secondary Infertile makes me MORE appreciative for what I have; for having two beautiful, healthy children.

The other 'me' is also a Wife. Wife to an insanely hard-working and permanently travelling man. A man who is my other half and best friend. A man who I seldom see for longer than 10 days at a time. A man who I miss terribly in my 'new immigrant' life in this strange and sometimes very foreign land.

We celebrated Adams' fifth birthday this past Wednesday. At his party last year, I remember being so overcome with sadness, it was two days before we left SA for good. What was supposed to be this great party celebrating his birthday, ended up being a farewell party for all of us. On Wednesday I took a minute, amidst all these new - and once -strange people, I felt very proud of myself. I did it. Through all those really black, sad moments of this past year, I made it to the other side. I have some amazing people in my 'new' life, people who I can really call friends. And I am grateful for being given a second chance. I said once a long time ago, "my children are happy, therefore I am okay", now I feel more like, 'my children are happy, and I am happy.

I am flying to China tommorrow for a week (Purim week), children-less. I did this once before two years ago, I remember the flight was great, I took a sleeping pill and slept the full 12 hours to Bangkok. The first 2/3 days felt so self-indulgent, I could sleep when I wanted to, could do just about anything when 'I wanted to'. By day 4, it started to get to me, every aeroplane that flew over, every jungle-gym, every new experience, all I wanted to do was to share it with the children that were NOT by my side. They were both having such a great time at my in-laws, that they did not evn want to speak to us when we called every day.

My operation is final and booked. We get back late on the 25th, then the 26th we have the 'Shloshim' for our friend that died, this means back to the Cemetery. More tears, more reminders and more sadness. Then on Thursday, the 27th I will have my operation, hopefully restoring me to a semi-fertile person. I can't wait.

Thursday, March 6

Revised plans and new hopes.

Another week gone.

Death has an awful way of making you wake up a bit, and realising what you have. Being grateful and appreciative. Not 'sweating the small stuff'.

After much internal debate I have decided to postpone my operation and to go with The Donor to China. It is a work-related trip for around 7 days and the children will stay with my in-laws - they are happy as that means unlimited television.This was a gut-wrenching debate, I did NOT want to postpone this operation, I wanted to move on as quickly as possible, to remove/fix whatever is wrong with me and be moving on to my next IVF. There is this drive, almost an addictive need to start the 'next' IVF as soon as possible, clinging on to that Hope. I said a thoughtless thing the other day to my mother-in-law, I thought it over and realised that I had totally "missed the plot". I said that there was NO way I would be postponing, not by a week, not by a day, as this operation is the most important thing in my life right now. Thats' not true though. What I do NOT have is NOT the most important thing in my life, what I HAVE is the most important thing in my life. I have been truly blessed by having two healthy and amazing children, and I have a husband who loves me, and who at the moment would like nothing more than for his wife to come with him on this China trip. I have to re-focus, I want and need some time just with him. And I need to give my (lack of) fertility OBSESSION a break, even if it is just for 10 days. So, decided, done, we will fly around the 18th, be back in Israel around the 29/30th, and I will schedule the operation for the 31st.

My Profman is not actually going to do the operation, another doctor is. His expertise is Laparoscopic surgery, I met him last night. He wanted to meet me and get a case history from me and also do an Ultrasound for himself. My history is long and involved, I was scheduled for a quick "10 minute check", I don't think he was expecting what he actually got. The internal examination was the worst I have ever had, usually I can try and find things to laugh about in yukky/awkward situations, but there was nothing. It was just plain horrific. I kind-of went 'on him', then 'off him', then back 'on him' throughout the hour that I was with him. Two major 'on him' factors: 1. He promised me that under NO circumstances whatsoever would he perform a Laparotomy, it would ONLY be a Laparoscopy. And, 2. I asked him how my chances for falling pregnant would increase after the Laparoscopy, he answered that if he came to me after the operation and said that he was 'happy' with the outcome (meaning that he had been able to remove all the adhesions and Endometriosis, and fix/remove my Fallopian Tube) then he looked at my and said "You will be pregnant again!". Cool!!!

Saturday, March 1


What a horrific week.

I dealt with death, if that is possible, to actually 'deal' with death. I think it is more like 'feeling and breathing' death.

A very close family friend died of a heart attack early last Shabbat morning. He was in South Africa with his youngest daughter, and his wife was in Israel with the two elder daughters. His body had to be flown to Israel, he was buried on Monday evening on a cold and rainy night, close to midnight with close to 200 people saying their last goodbyes.

The most traumatic part of all of this has been watching people I love so much have to suffer and have this constant heartbreaking sadness with them. To see the wife totally broken, her lights out. To know that there is nothing I can do. Nothing anyone can do.

The Jewish faith has specific guidelines and rules of what to do in any situation, be it happy or sad. When someone dies the direct family members (parents, spouse, siblings and children) sit Shiva for 7 days from the funeral. This involves them doing nothing other than sitting on low chairs and 'receiving' people who have come to express their condolences and pay their last respects. A Shiva house is a very sad place.

The Shiva ends tommorrow night, and then we all go back to the grave again on Monday morning. I have no idea what to do afterwards. After the Shiva ends, after all the people go, when the mourners have to try and start piecing their shattered lives together.

How do you support someone who feels like she has nothing left to live for?


"Q: In which cases does removal of the fallopian tubes improve the outcome?
A: In recent years, impressive evidence has shown that hydrosalpinx (swollen fallopian tubes, filled with fluid) can reduce chances of implantation. It seems that the reason for this is that the fluid in the fallopian tubes contains inflammatory products that leak into the abdominal cavity and damage the embryo trying to implant itself in the endometrium. In cases of recurrent failure of IVF therapy, the condition of the fallopian tubes should always be assessed using a hysterosalpingogram and ultrasound scan. If the state of the fallopian tubes is very poorly, and might affect the implantation of the embryos, the benefit of their removal should be considered. The removal of oneor both fallopian tubes is performed by laparoscopy, where a laparoscope (a fine telescope) is inserted through an umbilical incision."