Thursday, October 25

It's a good life.

Another day another injection. It is still taking a while of psyching up, to actually do it, but compared to the first day and almost a half hour of heavy breathing, position/room changing, I am really quite impressed with my progress. Today I think it took around 5 minutes all in all. Stabbing motion sorted, still not feeling a thing, thanks to Emla, the most unpleasant part being the burning sensation of the liquid being squirted into you.

So my mouse obsession continues. I think I am actually finding this all therapeutic, if I wasnt obsessing over my mouse situation, it would be the IVF. I know myself I would be constantly having mental conversations with myself: Will it work? Won't it work? How many embryo's will take? baby names, twin, triplets sextuplets? early symptoms, funny feelings, was that a nausea feeling? are my boobs swollen? is my tummy swollen? am I? aren't I?, it really is all too much, so hey I will take any distraction that comes my way. So as far as distractions go, this one is working for me just fine. So Operation kill the Bugger/Buggers is in full force, I have even enlisted the help of my children. Armed with about twenty glue traps, I placed them with land-mine-like precision in an around the house, two per room. The packaging of these stupid traps come with a cute little picture of the sweetest little Tom-and-Jerry looking mouse biting into a big chunk of yellow cheese, this did NOT deter me! I remained strong! Funny thing is I couldn't get to sleep last night, I tossed and turned for hours, Adam and Noam LOCKED into my bedroom with me. Yes, locked, that is coming from me an ex-South African from Johannesburg, one of the crime-capitals of the world. The thought of armed gunmen/rapists/robbers did not evoke as much fear in me as these mice. I could cope with the humans but I just cannot cope with the thought of mice pooping on me while I sleep. AND they have teeth, yesterday I found serious teeth bite marks in a big black candle in the kitchen, are they colour-blind? What are they thinking? Black cheese? Ok so I can't sleep last night, I am mouse obsessing, with every peep, squeek, visions of a battalion of mouse conscripts coming to martyr themselves in vengance for all their brothers in arms that I will be murdering with my glue traps, finally, I must have fallen asleep amidst all these horrors invading my mind. So, upon waking up this morning, I did what any self-respecting mother would have done, I sent my children into the battle ground to check on the glue-trap status. Guess what....nothing, not one, zero, zilch! But I think they now know that I have transformed from hippy-mouse-lover to mouse-Terminator because I know they/it was in both Noam and Adams rooms last night, both doors had been locked but the door frame in each room has been nibbled with door-dust on the floor, so maybe they have just packed their little bags and left. I can hope. I spoke to an extermination company this morning, called Dr Cocroach, lovely, they suggested to put poison down, if I know exactly where they are getting in, which I dont, and I have a dog, so that is not an option. Doc Roach also suggested just hanging in for a few more days and putting some kind of yummy mouse-snack in the glue to get them in. So I have another terror-filled night ahead, can't wait!

So on to more serious issues, the gunky gooey brown stuff post-pipelle seems to have stopped, and the horror of that experience is now but a distant memory, as are most fertility experiences. You do it all because you have to, you want what you want, and by doing all these awful things, you hope you will get what you want. The pursuit of that soul. As I mentioned I have two souls already, with Secondary Infertility there is unfortunately a sense that you are not allowed to feel sad, desperate, longing because you are unable to have number 2,3 or even 4. I do feel sorry for women who have no children. But hey this is about me and my life, and i am entitled to feel my sense of desperation at not being able to conceive again. With each failed cycle, comes a growing sense of "Maybe this is it?", "Maybe this is ALL G-d intended for me?" and only time will be able to answer those questions for me. The 'it' is my two-child family, which is the best thing that ever happened to me. My children bring me joy, laughter and an unbeleivable inner warmth that I could never have imagined. If I never succeeded at this wonderful medical invention of IVF, as this is the last possible resort for me, I will then know that there were no more souls looking for me. In the meantime, I believe that they are looking for me. A friend asked me a while back, "When will you stop?", she didn't mean it in a horrible way, it was a great question actually, and I needed to answer it. Answer is, I don't think I will stop, I am at the IVF level of the 'fertility ladder', you can't get much higher. This is it. So I will just have to carry on trying, and I hope it will happen. Sure there are loads of women out there who have been trying for way, way longer than me, and probrably with less chances than me, etc. etc. but this is me and my life, and I don't make excuses for it. Look, I would not moan to a childless woman, I am not that thick. There is more sympathy for childless couples than there is for people like me, and that is ok, it is right. But I still deserve my feelings when another month goes by. Today I bought a ring, yes another one, which has the words (in English) 'Courage', 'Love' and 'Hope' engraved on it. 'Hope' is facing up at me.

This Blog is taking me forever to write, major newsflash, I just made EYE CONTACT with the mouse (or one of them). My father in law just came over to oversee my mouse-catching endeavour, he was here for about ten minutes and had removed everything from the cupboard under my sink, there are three big plug holes at the back of the cupboard, so he calls me into the kitchen, he is sitting on the floor staring at the open, now empty cupboard, and the mouses cute little head is popping out every now and again. My tough Israeli father-in-law thinks I am such a joke, he totally despairs in me, how can I kill it now that I have looked into his little eyes. So we compromised we have given him two choices, I have put traps in the cupboard and closed the door, one is the gooey-sticky-you-are-destined-to-die type and the other is the cage-be released back into -the-wild-one. So we will see in the morning.

The Prof-mans' rooms just called to ask me if I would like to join an IVF support group that they are starting up, I said I would be happy to join. I will be at a slight disadvantage because it will be in Hebrew, but hey, let that be my biggest worry! Also another great part of today, I spent the morning painting. I have a friend here on the Moshav who has a painting group, and I joined. Well it was great, a mess, but fun awakening the creative-Goddess within. I know she is there somewhere. Also I got Adam and Noam early from school and we planted herbs in our garden, now we are about to have a braai. Its' a good life!


"Q: In which cases does removal of the fallopian tubes improve the outcome?
A: In recent years, impressive evidence has shown that hydrosalpinx (swollen fallopian tubes, filled with fluid) can reduce chances of implantation. It seems that the reason for this is that the fluid in the fallopian tubes contains inflammatory products that leak into the abdominal cavity and damage the embryo trying to implant itself in the endometrium. In cases of recurrent failure of IVF therapy, the condition of the fallopian tubes should always be assessed using a hysterosalpingogram and ultrasound scan. If the state of the fallopian tubes is very poorly, and might affect the implantation of the embryos, the benefit of their removal should be considered. The removal of oneor both fallopian tubes is performed by laparoscopy, where a laparoscope (a fine telescope) is inserted through an umbilical incision."