Ok, so I have managed to pull myself together. Life goes on. Mothers leave, and daughters have to just get on with it! Be strong Israeli-girl!
Cleaning is my therapy, weird I know. My house is sparkling and spotless, this, the result of two teary eyed days of intense cleaning therapy. Yesterday I took my theraputed-self off for a bit of spoiling. I found a new hairdresser and went the full monty. Colour, wash, cut and blow, oh and products. I feel a bit like my old self today, except for the nervous, sick feeling in my stomach.
Today was d-day, I did the Beta HCG Bloods (Pregnancy blood test) this morning, I will only get an answer late this afternoon. I can get them on-line so I will be sitting like a crazed beast at my computer awaiting the good or bad news all afternoon. I just feel thoroughly ill with nerves. This waiting game is the worst, this whole process has taken 54 days, then it was 12 days, and now it is down to a few hours.
What will I do if it is positive? Don't know. What will I do if it is negative? I do know, I will be sad ofcourse, like I was reaching for something that I really really wanted, standing on my tip-tip toes, reaching with everything in me, almost getting 'it', and then 'it' slipping out of my reach. So sure, sad. And then I know myself, it is on to plan 'b', which in my case is straight to an operation. The surgical removal of my entire fallopian tube (lhs), and cleaning out - which is only a temporary solution - of all the adhesions. Hopefully thereafter adhesion and sydrosalpinx-free, I will be oozing fertility from every pore of my being.
Irony is that I was told to do this pregnancy test today, 13 December, anniversary of Natalies death. Me and signs? What does that mean?
So now I am off to art to release some of my creative energy and hopefully some nervous energy too.
Until the result. x
"Q: In which cases does removal of the fallopian tubes improve the outcome?
A: In recent years, impressive evidence has shown that hydrosalpinx (swollen fallopian tubes, filled with fluid) can reduce chances of implantation. It seems that the reason for this is that the fluid in the fallopian tubes contains inflammatory products that leak into the abdominal cavity and damage the embryo trying to implant itself in the endometrium. In cases of recurrent failure of IVF therapy, the condition of the fallopian tubes should always be assessed using a hysterosalpingogram and ultrasound scan. If the state of the fallopian tubes is very poorly, and might affect the implantation of the embryos, the benefit of their removal should be considered. The removal of oneor both fallopian tubes is performed by laparoscopy, where a laparoscope (a fine telescope) is inserted through an umbilical incision."