So first things first, as I knew would happen, I was invited (formally) to one of the recipients of the warm yummy challa's. I was really very nervous that a newborn was going to be thrust into my very unwilling arms and I would have to make all of the necessary noises. I really didn't think I was either strong enough or prepared enough for this emotionally. Fortunately I did not have to find out. It all happened so naturally, the new mother, who is the mother of one of, yet another, set of twins in Noam's class, was so relaxed and laid back about it all.
She breast-fed in front of me but totally covered herself up, which I know that even if she hadn't it would not have bothered me. The act of breastfeeding remains one of those unbelievably intriguing things that never ever bothers me, I always watch with this envious fascination along with absolute respect for the 'breastfeeder', as that was just something that I never got right.
So, she held the baby (girl), and basically just did NOT push her in my face. As two other women arrived to say hi and Mazal Tov I found myself sneaking little peeks, and really enjoying remembering how tiny they are. How tiny Adam and Noam, all 2.5 kgs, were. That feeling of "I MADE THIS!", so perfect and pink and just so incredibly unbelievable.
Second. I got back about an hour ago from the IVF Support Group that I attend, it is now midnight. The house is quiet except for the snoring Donor. It was a great evening, the underlying sprinkling of sadness is always there, but the laughs are always brilliant 'therapy'. Each week I walk away with new perspectives, new thoughts and new issues to ponder over until the next time we all meet again.
Tonight I had a light bulb. One of the girls said something that spoke directly to me. She said that she wants to "find the place where she can love herself properly again". I hashed this out with myself the whole drive home, I thought back to where I was in my head space for those first 6 months or so after Noam was born. I think I loved myself a whole lot more then, than I do now. I had two beautiful children, a year and a half apart. I was coping really well with the small age-gap, revelling in motherhood, eagerly awaiting to start 'trying' again. Such confidence, the 'world was my oyster"! Not for one minute way back then, would I EVER have predicted that I would be sitting all this time later with NO no.3, 4 or 5.
My love for myself is made up of many spheres, some of them being - my self confidence, my belief in myself, my feelings of being 'in control', my knowledge that I have it 'all sorted', 'all figured-out'. As each and every Natural/Clomid/Gonal-f/IVF cycle has failed, and yet another month is lost, this reality, that I am trying to come to terms with, is chipping away slowly at my belief in myself, at my very self-confidence, and inevitably my love for myself.
Our 'task' this evening was to draw a picture using paints (yay) illustrating where we are in our 'space' at the moment. I painted half an A4 black and the other half, a big red circle. My explanation of the illustration was firstly that my life is made up of this outgoing, bright, chirpy, happy, positive 'me' and the other very private, sad, black 'me'. Secondly, the red circle was an 'embryo' and the black half was my impenetrable endometrium (body). One of the girls asked me why my 'black' part was private, why did I not have anyone to talk to. I never really thought about this 'out loud'. Fact is, I cannot talk to the Donor as he just wants to 'fix it' (which he can't), and I know that he would be fine if I told him tommorrow that I had decided that I was not 'trying' anymore. We would grow old with the two beautiful, unbelievable, amazing children that we have. Simply put, he and I do NOT share the same hunger.
Next, my wonderful mother. We are two different people with different wants, she was happy with her pigeon-pair. Also she hurts when I hurt and I need to protect her.
And lastly - friends, some let me down, and some blew me away with their support, interest and care. I also toned down all the IVF stuff, those that want to know will ask, and those that don't, won't. We are all going through our very own individual life's journeys', each person has their own heartache and pain and sorrow. All for different reasons.
So when the 'black half takes over' Donors', Mothers' and Friends cannot always understand. I am then very thankful for these Blog 'conversations with myself'.
HYDROSALPINX INFORMATION
"Q: In which cases does removal of the fallopian tubes improve the outcome?
A: In recent years, impressive evidence has shown that hydrosalpinx (swollen fallopian tubes, filled with fluid) can reduce chances of implantation. It seems that the reason for this is that the fluid in the fallopian tubes contains inflammatory products that leak into the abdominal cavity and damage the embryo trying to implant itself in the endometrium. In cases of recurrent failure of IVF therapy, the condition of the fallopian tubes should always be assessed using a hysterosalpingogram and ultrasound scan. If the state of the fallopian tubes is very poorly, and might affect the implantation of the embryos, the benefit of their removal should be considered. The removal of oneor both fallopian tubes is performed by laparoscopy, where a laparoscope (a fine telescope) is inserted through an umbilical incision."
