There are some things of my 'condition' that I don't talk about too openly. I know who reads this Blog. But I guess I better just come out with it already. I leak. That's right, leak, it is from the Hydrosalpinx. And this is the main reason why it has to be removed and why the IVF success rate is so low with this diagnosis. The 'leaking' flushes out the embryo's before they can implant. So I have spent the last two days mostly horizontal (still leaking), with each leak I wonder if this is when I 'lost' them, their microscopicness gone forever. Then just when I find myself over analysing (as usual), I pull myself up by my boot strings and do a 180 and go with my Hashem/miracle scenario.
I have to be prepared. I was always a shocking student, I spent close on a decade in high school. When school would break-up early December for 6 glorious Summer weeks I would be a nail-biting nervous wreck for the first two waiting for the report card to arrive. Desperate people in desperate situations have strange coping mechanisms. Me, I told myself that I had FAILED the year to prepare myself, then if I had passed I would be so surprised and overjoyed, if I failed AGAIN it really wouldn't be such a shocker. That was how I protected myself.
That juvenile philosophy is not working for me in my adult infertile world, now I sway quite freely between the positive and the negative.
What a great Shabbat, no tv, no phones, no computer, no interruptions. Just the joys of being a family. Playing with and talking to the children and ofcourse always eating too much. And then back to normal life tommorrow, no two day weekend here. This is the worst part of Israel, I am not sure if I will ever get used to it. The Donor is flying back to SA, I then start sending him sms-es every hour reading: "U OK?", Johannesburg, crime-capital of the world. I am going to stay with my in-laws until I do my Beta (pregnancy blood test), they will help me with the children, bathing, school, supper etc. If I stay at home I will not rest.
I read a whole book this afternoon when the children were sleeping and cried non-stop for the last 20 pages. My boobs are massive and sore, thanks to Crinone (progesterone) I am an achy emotional wreck already.
I so wonder if 'they' or even 'just one' are/is still there.
HYDROSALPINX INFORMATION
"Q: In which cases does removal of the fallopian tubes improve the outcome?
A: In recent years, impressive evidence has shown that hydrosalpinx (swollen fallopian tubes, filled with fluid) can reduce chances of implantation. It seems that the reason for this is that the fluid in the fallopian tubes contains inflammatory products that leak into the abdominal cavity and damage the embryo trying to implant itself in the endometrium. In cases of recurrent failure of IVF therapy, the condition of the fallopian tubes should always be assessed using a hysterosalpingogram and ultrasound scan. If the state of the fallopian tubes is very poorly, and might affect the implantation of the embryos, the benefit of their removal should be considered. The removal of oneor both fallopian tubes is performed by laparoscopy, where a laparoscope (a fine telescope) is inserted through an umbilical incision."
