Friday, February 1

God and choices

They are in, 3 in total, 2 x 6 cell, and 1 x 8 cell, good quality embryos.

The indignity of all this 'infertility' stuff came crashing down on me today, I lay on the table, legs spread and stirruped (?), speculum in, two strangers staring up my vagina, swabbed, disinfected, a tear rolling down the side of my turned-away face. This is not a fun game. But this is my game of choice, I am choosing to put myself through this. Knowing that this is my choice, doesn't make it easier. Everytime I allow another invasion, another injection, another 'procedure', retrieval, transfer, another speculum, another heartache, I have the knowledge that I could just stop this all anytime, I could just let it go.

The speculum was awful today, so cold, so sore, so invasive. This was not meant to be a sad moment, I was supposed to be happy, I was having 3 real-life embryos being put into my unterine cavity, this could be Day 1. Snap out of it! Happy-smiley hat back on!

Another reality, last night it all seemed clearer to me. Falling pregnant and 'holding on' to a pregnancy,is really not up to us or good doctors (yes they play a part), it is not up to me lying in bed for 3 days or even 12, not up to me giving up caffeine, or not having sex, or not picking up heavy things, or not whatever, it is all up to Hashem (God). Every pregnancy, be it through fertility treatments or natural has happened because of Hashem, he can make miracles happen. And even for me he can make a miracle, my Hydrosalpinx is the only diagnoses that IVF cannot help, but I have my 20% to cling to. I have my chance.

I was reading Tehillim (Psalms) before I went in for the transfer, one and a half pages in, this is what I read: "And he blessed them and they multiplied greatly, and He did not allow their livestock to miscarry." (Psalm 107, v38). Was I being spoken to directly? I am going with 'yes'. Let me be pregnant this time. Let me not miscarry.

I feel comforted also knowing that there are prayers being said all over Israel and South Africa this Shabbat. Thank you all.


"Q: In which cases does removal of the fallopian tubes improve the outcome?
A: In recent years, impressive evidence has shown that hydrosalpinx (swollen fallopian tubes, filled with fluid) can reduce chances of implantation. It seems that the reason for this is that the fluid in the fallopian tubes contains inflammatory products that leak into the abdominal cavity and damage the embryo trying to implant itself in the endometrium. In cases of recurrent failure of IVF therapy, the condition of the fallopian tubes should always be assessed using a hysterosalpingogram and ultrasound scan. If the state of the fallopian tubes is very poorly, and might affect the implantation of the embryos, the benefit of their removal should be considered. The removal of oneor both fallopian tubes is performed by laparoscopy, where a laparoscope (a fine telescope) is inserted through an umbilical incision."