This past week I got my first really ugly comment. I have not published the comment, I am still trying to figure out if I perhaps should.
I wonder how easy it is to 'lash' out at someone 'anonymously', someone who is a complete stranger. My first reaction was of real shock, as it was so clear to me in my head what I had written, what my intentions had been. I knew what I meant. It upset me to think that maybe I had offended someone so unwillingly, that through my words I had the 'means' to unintentionally cause such a reaction from a total stranger.
The people who know me who read this Blog know who I am. They know 'where I came from' and they know 'where I have been'. When complete strangers read my Blog they have a tiny window into my life, a tiny portion which I choose to reveal and therefore have no idea who the 'me' is other than the 'infertile me'. The other 'me' is a Mother (mostly single) who is daily thankful for having the life that lets me be a full-time Mother to my children. This is the 'job' that I waited for my whole life. I was born to be a Mother. Being a Secondary Infertile makes me MORE appreciative for what I have; for having two beautiful, healthy children.
The other 'me' is also a Wife. Wife to an insanely hard-working and permanently travelling man. A man who is my other half and best friend. A man who I seldom see for longer than 10 days at a time. A man who I miss terribly in my 'new immigrant' life in this strange and sometimes very foreign land.
We celebrated Adams' fifth birthday this past Wednesday. At his party last year, I remember being so overcome with sadness, it was two days before we left SA for good. What was supposed to be this great party celebrating his birthday, ended up being a farewell party for all of us. On Wednesday I took a minute, amidst all these new - and once -strange people, I felt very proud of myself. I did it. Through all those really black, sad moments of this past year, I made it to the other side. I have some amazing people in my 'new' life, people who I can really call friends. And I am grateful for being given a second chance. I said once a long time ago, "my children are happy, therefore I am okay", now I feel more like, 'my children are happy, and I am happy.
I am flying to China tommorrow for a week (Purim week), children-less. I did this once before two years ago, I remember the flight was great, I took a sleeping pill and slept the full 12 hours to Bangkok. The first 2/3 days felt so self-indulgent, I could sleep when I wanted to, could do just about anything when 'I wanted to'. By day 4, it started to get to me, every aeroplane that flew over, every jungle-gym, every new experience, all I wanted to do was to share it with the children that were NOT by my side. They were both having such a great time at my in-laws, that they did not evn want to speak to us when we called every day.
My operation is final and booked. We get back late on the 25th, then the 26th we have the 'Shloshim' for our friend that died, this means back to the Cemetery. More tears, more reminders and more sadness. Then on Thursday, the 27th I will have my operation, hopefully restoring me to a semi-fertile person. I can't wait.
"Q: In which cases does removal of the fallopian tubes improve the outcome?
A: In recent years, impressive evidence has shown that hydrosalpinx (swollen fallopian tubes, filled with fluid) can reduce chances of implantation. It seems that the reason for this is that the fluid in the fallopian tubes contains inflammatory products that leak into the abdominal cavity and damage the embryo trying to implant itself in the endometrium. In cases of recurrent failure of IVF therapy, the condition of the fallopian tubes should always be assessed using a hysterosalpingogram and ultrasound scan. If the state of the fallopian tubes is very poorly, and might affect the implantation of the embryos, the benefit of their removal should be considered. The removal of oneor both fallopian tubes is performed by laparoscopy, where a laparoscope (a fine telescope) is inserted through an umbilical incision."