Thursday, December 20

Rose-tinted glasses

We went to friends for dinner last night with the children, and right outside their front door our car was broken into. The drivers' window was completely shattered by a rock, 'they' had also tried smashing the front windscreen and cracked it enough to have to be replaced. What a mission, and all for a GPS.

I have friends back in SA who have this really romantic utopian idea about Israel, about living here, Holy Land and all that stuff. Like as if everything will be ok here, surrounded by 6 million of your very own, everything is good, no crime, no issues (bar the Palestinian one) . I never had any of those idealistic and Zionistic ideas, or so I thought. In less than a month there have been two events that have really 'rocked my boat', firstly the Donors' parents were broken into a few weeks back and now this. I don't expect this kind of thing to happen here. There aren't killers and rapists and murderers and robbers HERE, they are all in South Africa, in my old life. I thought these kinds of crimes were really really rare here, I know they happen, but two robberies in a month, what are the odds? There has also just been a big sting operation all over the news this past week of a paedophilia ring that was caught 'in the act', almost. People are murdered here, it is not senseless crime as we would call it in South Africa, but more the underworld kind. Maybe I should remove my rose tinted glasses and wake up to a bit of reality.

Tommorrow I have my IVF support group. When i was initially interviewed to join, I was really not into being in a group with other women who did NOT already have children. I told the group leader that I rather wanted to be in a group with like-minded women with Secondary Infertility. She managed to persuade me to join nonetheless. The first session I left feeling like a total fake. It is not the kind of group where you start off by saying : "Hi my name is Lianne and I .....blah blah blah", the details kind of come out bit by bit and there is no pressure to reveal anything you don't want to. Needless to say I did NOT reveal that I already am blessed with two children. I felt guilty, guilty that I have children! I knew this was going to happen and that was my main reason for not wanting to join. So there I am joining in in all their sorrow and grief at not being able to have children. What a fake! It bothered me all week. So last weeks session, I was a bit reserved, my Mom had left the night before, I was feeling very tender. When it got towards the end of our time, the group leader asked us all to end off with a sentence or two. When it got to me, I just could not keep it in anymore, I blurted it out, and then burst into tears. I felt like, there we all are, all seven of us, revealing intimate and private parts of our lives, really powerful emotional stuff, and I am basically cheating Adam and Noam by not sharing them, the best part of my life. After my little sob-parade was over, all the girls said the right kind of feel-good type stuff, I am not sure whether it was just to make me feel better, or if they really meant it. Anyway it all got me thinking. When I was first approached about joining this group, I thought I would be the one getting something out of it and something out of the other people in the group, but I think it is exactly the opposite.

I might have something to offer all of them. Maybe they could all learn something from me, that you can have children and still yearn and ache for more.


"Q: In which cases does removal of the fallopian tubes improve the outcome?
A: In recent years, impressive evidence has shown that hydrosalpinx (swollen fallopian tubes, filled with fluid) can reduce chances of implantation. It seems that the reason for this is that the fluid in the fallopian tubes contains inflammatory products that leak into the abdominal cavity and damage the embryo trying to implant itself in the endometrium. In cases of recurrent failure of IVF therapy, the condition of the fallopian tubes should always be assessed using a hysterosalpingogram and ultrasound scan. If the state of the fallopian tubes is very poorly, and might affect the implantation of the embryos, the benefit of their removal should be considered. The removal of oneor both fallopian tubes is performed by laparoscopy, where a laparoscope (a fine telescope) is inserted through an umbilical incision."