IVF#4: Countdown begins.....again

I cannot beleive that another week is over, I barely have had time to breathe. Long word thing over and done with, (results to follow), long-distance Christmas, new car, sick children, 2 Shabbats, and now an impending New Years Party at my house.

Ok, so results first, eventually the Hysterosalpingograph thing was done this past Sunday night. I was so excited about the Valium, naive me thought I was so going to be in la-la land. What a total let down, whats the big deal anyway? I really don't think it did a thing, I think I should have taken two. The pharmacy couldn't sell me only one so I got a whole pack of 10, so obvious excitement about future experimentation.

Maybe I just hyped it all up, either which way a very non-zonked me walked into the x-ray room to do the hystero.............. , which I also totally hyped-up, it was so not a big deal, no pain, minor discomfort, and all very tolerable. I am such a drama-queen.

Results, confirmed that the bulbous aparition in my left hand side fallopian tube is in fact a Hydrosalpinx. Profman said that I should decide whether to either operate and remove the whole tube, or to try one more IVF . Due to my history, the possiblity of having to switch from a Laparoscopy (three tiny holes and easy recovery) to Laparotomy (one major slice and major major recovery) are very real. Also the next IVF would not be 54 days like last time, he would change from the Long Course Protocol to the Short Course Protocol, which would be injections for a few days only from day 2 of my next menstruation and then ofcourse same old anaesthetic to retrieve eggs, cook, then replace however many, and then cross fingers and everything else for 12 days. So my decision was made based on my fear of having another Laparotomy, it overrides doing 'one more' IVF.

So here we go again. Funny thing is I am back on the Pill, it is part of the Long Course Protocol, you have to start off by taking the Pill for 20 days, you get your period and then from day 2 you start injecting as normal. So back on the IVF train. Countdown begins. Fourth time lucky?

Rose-tinted glasses

We went to friends for dinner last night with the children, and right outside their front door our car was broken into. The drivers' window was completely shattered by a rock, 'they' had also tried smashing the front windscreen and cracked it enough to have to be replaced. What a mission, and all for a GPS.

I have friends back in SA who have this really romantic utopian idea about Israel, about living here, Holy Land and all that stuff. Like as if everything will be ok here, surrounded by 6 million of your very own, everything is good, no crime, no issues (bar the Palestinian one) . I never had any of those idealistic and Zionistic ideas, or so I thought. In less than a month there have been two events that have really 'rocked my boat', firstly the Donors' parents were broken into a few weeks back and now this. I don't expect this kind of thing to happen here. There aren't killers and rapists and murderers and robbers HERE, they are all in South Africa, in my old life. I thought these kinds of crimes were really really rare here, I know they happen, but two robberies in a month, what are the odds? There has also just been a big sting operation all over the news this past week of a paedophilia ring that was caught 'in the act', almost. People are murdered here, it is not senseless crime as we would call it in South Africa, but more the underworld kind. Maybe I should remove my rose tinted glasses and wake up to a bit of reality.

Tommorrow I have my IVF support group. When i was initially interviewed to join, I was really not into being in a group with other women who did NOT already have children. I told the group leader that I rather wanted to be in a group with like-minded women with Secondary Infertility. She managed to persuade me to join nonetheless. The first session I left feeling like a total fake. It is not the kind of group where you start off by saying : "Hi my name is Lianne and I .....blah blah blah", the details kind of come out bit by bit and there is no pressure to reveal anything you don't want to. Needless to say I did NOT reveal that I already am blessed with two children. I felt guilty, guilty that I have children! I knew this was going to happen and that was my main reason for not wanting to join. So there I am joining in in all their sorrow and grief at not being able to have children. What a fake! It bothered me all week. So last weeks session, I was a bit reserved, my Mom had left the night before, I was feeling very tender. When it got towards the end of our time, the group leader asked us all to end off with a sentence or two. When it got to me, I just could not keep it in anymore, I blurted it out, and then burst into tears. I felt like, there we all are, all seven of us, revealing intimate and private parts of our lives, really powerful emotional stuff, and I am basically cheating Adam and Noam by not sharing them, the best part of my life. After my little sob-parade was over, all the girls said the right kind of feel-good type stuff, I am not sure whether it was just to make me feel better, or if they really meant it. Anyway it all got me thinking. When I was first approached about joining this group, I thought I would be the one getting something out of it and something out of the other people in the group, but I think it is exactly the opposite.

I might have something to offer all of them. Maybe they could all learn something from me, that you can have children and still yearn and ache for more.

Hyster...................................graph

Had my follow-up appointment today with my Professor. We were with him for almost an hour, such a complicated case I am! After much backwards and forwards the final decision is that I am going to do a hysterosalpingograph (yes there is such a word).

"Hysterosalpingograph - x-ray with dye injected into the uterus to see if the tubes are obstructed."

This procedure is really simple and only sightly uncomfortable, it can be done to ascertain 100% if what I have in my left hand side fallopian tube is in fact a hydrosalpinx, if the results are conclusive then he will do a laparoscapy to remove the entire tube, and thereafter wait one month before I can start another IVF cycle. He does not want to do any unneccesary operation, and I SO agree. It is possible that the tubular blulbous thing that he is seeing on ultrasound is spacing between the chronic pelvic adhesions that I have. If that is all it is, which can only be concluded after this 'big word thing', then next step will be to do another IVF using a slightly different protocol. It is called 'short course protocol', this is only used on patients who do not respond accordingly to the usual 'long course protocol' medication - as was the case with me last IVF (54 DAYS!).

Best news is that I get VALIUM! I am such a drug-addict at heart, I know Mommy its' really disgusting, blah blah. I told the Professor that I really was not keen for any type of pain or discomfort in this procedure (horror-filled Pipelle memories) so he prescribed valium and some voltaren, I am going to be in such a daze. YAY!!! He can only do the 'long word' after my serious "Rivers of Babylon" calm down, so he said to call him on Wednesday evening and it is possible that he can still do it this week.

PS. Again today in the Professors waiting rooms I had to hear his secretary tell some patient that had called in, "Mazal Tov, so you are pregnant!" Whatever!

Meantime, I am enjoying my beautiful family; two wonderful special and gorgeous children who make me happy and proud every day of their lives. And my 'donor' who is a continuous loving support and strength to me.

Not my souls

It was negative.

Beta HCG <2, hard to misinterpret.

So Plan B, already made an appointment with Professor Shulman, Monday 12.30, and on to sorting out surgically everything that is hindering any chance that I may have of every falling pregnant again.

I was surprisingly fine, I had a tear, Noam was with me (albeit snoring next to me), and then I phoned to make the appointment with the Professor. Then I spoke to the 'donor' and realised that maybe I wasn't really that fine because I was so irritated and short with him, he was at the airport boarding a plane to come back here. I smsed him afterwards to apologise, it is not his fault, there is no-one to blame. It just was not my time, not my soul/s.

Oh and to top it all off, I got a letter from Assuta to say that the 2 left-over embryos that we were hoping to freeze had 'expired'. Another 5 little 'possibilities ' gone.

Until the result

Day 54

D-DAY

Ok, so I have managed to pull myself together. Life goes on. Mothers leave, and daughters have to just get on with it! Be strong Israeli-girl!

Cleaning is my therapy, weird I know. My house is sparkling and spotless, this, the result of two teary eyed days of intense cleaning therapy. Yesterday I took my theraputed-self off for a bit of spoiling. I found a new hairdresser and went the full monty. Colour, wash, cut and blow, oh and products. I feel a bit like my old self today, except for the nervous, sick feeling in my stomach.

Today was d-day, I did the Beta HCG Bloods (Pregnancy blood test) this morning, I will only get an answer late this afternoon. I can get them on-line so I will be sitting like a crazed beast at my computer awaiting the good or bad news all afternoon. I just feel thoroughly ill with nerves. This waiting game is the worst, this whole process has taken 54 days, then it was 12 days, and now it is down to a few hours.

What will I do if it is positive? Don't know. What will I do if it is negative? I do know, I will be sad ofcourse, like I was reaching for something that I really really wanted, standing on my tip-tip toes, reaching with everything in me, almost getting 'it', and then 'it' slipping out of my reach. So sure, sad. And then I know myself, it is on to plan 'b', which in my case is straight to an operation. The surgical removal of my entire fallopian tube (lhs), and cleaning out - which is only a temporary solution - of all the adhesions. Hopefully thereafter adhesion and sydrosalpinx-free, I will be oozing fertility from every pore of my being.

Irony is that I was told to do this pregnancy test today, 13 December, anniversary of Natalies death. Me and signs? What does that mean?

So now I am off to art to release some of my creative energy and hopefully some nervous energy too.

Until the result. x

Alone

Day 50-whatever
Progesterone

Feeling very sorry for myself, been crying on and off since I said goodbye to my Mom last night.

I just feel all alone again.

Me against 'them'.

"Everything happens for the right reason"

When I went through the long and tedious, but really wonderful task of converting to Orthodox Judaism my teacher (one of the most special people I have ever met) throughout my conversion process always used to tell me: "Everything happens for the right reason". I have totally come to know this, but today was proof of that.

So, I have been having the best time ever with my Mom, doing a load of things, and everything fun and full of laughs as it always is with the two of us. My Mom is great fun, she is always a good laugh and always keen to just 'get on down'. After these last two weeks (almost) with her I have realised that she would just be the best travelling companion, everything is fun to her, everything a new adventure, a bit like a toddler - and all with the same toddler-like exhilaration and energy. Go Mom go! Tomorrow we are all (Mom, me, Adam and Noam) off on a road-trip, Thursday night in Nazareth, and then Friday and Saturday night in the Galilee.

So a brief run-down, Monday I rested all day in bed safeguarding the 'little ones'. Monday evening was the first session of the newly formed IVF Support Group at the Professor's rooms. There were 7 of us, and it went well, we all had to start off with creating a picture of 'who' we were and then present it to the group. I was worried about the Hebrew, and I won't lie, it is hard keeping up. It takes so much concentration and intense attention from me, it is exhausting, hence the ever-nightly Hebrew Headache. Nonetheless I did it, missing the odd word (or twenty) now and again, I got the jist of most of it. We each had to reveal a bit of who we are. I walked out an hour and a half later feeling like a real 'fake', I never let on about Adam and Noam. I think I may have a bit of self-analysis in store regarding this issue, I am not sure if it is 'me' or 'them', but I do feel guilty. Anyway I will continue this issue another day, meanwhile I have a week to ponder my feelings, and right now i am too busy enjoying my Mom. So my 'issues' will just have to wait.

Tuesday we went through to Tel Aviv early, we planned to go to this brilliant Shuk called 'Shuk HaCarmel', and also to this stunning craft market called 'Nahalat Binyamin', obviously with a quick 'snack' to start, we set off, the two of us, arm-in-arm, giggling and laughing, what a brilliant vibe, and what a great day! The craft market was really beautiful with the most original ideas and unbelievable talent, and ofcourse full of weird and interesting people. It was great, then on to shoppers-paradise, the Shuk. The best value for money that exists, no need to even haggle. The prices are already so low, they really can't go much lower. Also, you are surrounded by absolute modernity in the shadows of absolute antiquity. Massive sky-scraper shiny monstrosities, and then beautiful ancient shuttered falling-down buildings. It is all mixed up together, a big hotch-potch of contradicting everythings.

Last night was the Channuka party at Adam's school which was great fun, everyone had put so much effort into it all and it was really special. Our first Channuka as full-on Israelis! Because I wasn't raised in a Jewish home, I often find myself 're-living' that lost childhood through my children. It is a privilege really, every song/action is a new thing for me to learn.

So today we had decided we were all going to go on a major adventure, we were going to take the train to the Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem. This did not 'come to pass', there was a whole balls-up with the tickets/times whatever, and so we decided to just go anywhere for fun, have lunch and then come back. We chose Nahariya (past Haifa), it was a long train ride and we had to change trains as well. The last time I took a train in Israel I was 15 years younger, had an earing in my nose, and certainly did not have children, or a Mother in tow. Public transport is really unbelievable here, punctual, clean and really organised. So we changed trains, and set off on the nearly two hour trip. The train was packed so we had to split up, Adam and I in one seat, and a few rows up Mom and Noam. Opposite me was a frum South African lady talking on the phone for about the first 20 minutes, she eventually got off the phone and heard me speaking my Soufefrikenese to Adam, she then asked me where I was from in SA, and she said she was from Muizenberg. I leant over into the aisle and called my Mom and said that there was another Muizenberger (my Mom had gone to school there). The "Muizenberger" opposite me lit up and turned around to look at my Mother (all on a speeding packed train), my Mom asked her her name and she said 'Brenda', my Mom looks at her in disbelief, and almost shouts hysterically 'Brenda Resnick! It's me Vyvyan, Vyvyan Bateman". 'Brenda' throws her knitting to the floor, vaults out of her chair and leaps over to my Mother, hugs, kisses, "I don't believe its". It was one of those moments where you needed a camera and a tissue on hand, I had neither. Turns out they were friends in school, in the same class, 50 years ago in Muizenberg. It was just the most amazing thing. Who would have thought that your plans could go so wrong for your day, you could end up on a train-to-no-where, in a foreign country, and meet a friend who you haven't seen in FIFTY years. Isn't life just the best! 'Brenda' had to get off at the next station, so they hastily exchanged contact details and more hugs and kisses and then she was gone.

This almost surreal experience just had a way of reminding me that there is a 'plan' for all of us, not just long term, but every day and every second. Every train that you miss, every plan that gets botched, everything that goes wrong; it is all happening for the right reason!

3 buns-in-the-oven

They are in, safe and sound!!

Profman said that out of the five, three were of a better quality (2 being 8 cells, and one being too many to count). Regarding the two remainders, we will only know tommorrow if they are of 'freezing quality'. I have decided that I am not going to focus on the frozen ones, only on the ones that are acctually in, and hopefully implanting themselves as I write. I am just sending loads of positive vibes and thoughts, my friend the accupuncturist gave me a whole lot of tips, like cutting down on cellphone use, wireless internet, sleeping in a dark room, drinking some strangely-named tea, avoiding chemicals like cleaners etc.

My Mom came with me and as usual we just giggled and laughed non-stop like silly school girls, what is it with us and Hospitals? Husband is on his way back to SA, and it would have been a bit of a tight squeeze if he had come with me, so we decided Mother Dearest would. She came in with me and watched the whole transfer (from my 'head' side, and not the other less attractive side) and we got to see the embryos on a screen before they were inserted. And she got to meet my wonderful Professor Shulman, twitch and all.

My "'love', 'courage', 'hope'" ring is permanently turned to the 'hope', and I really do feel hopeful. Too many signs over the course of the last 43 days to ignore, too many things that make me think that 'this' could be the one. After the transfer I had to sit in a 'lazyboy' type chair for about 10 minutes, my stomach felt like it had this warm glow to it, a special warm feeling.

Tommorrow I am staying in bed all day, no picking up children or anything heavy as well. At the moment I am having difficulty breathing for fear of them 'falling' out. So it is chill-out mode for me, which is really hard for someone like me.

So, all power to my three little ones!

5 Little Possibilites

Day 43
Crinone (Progesterone) x 1

So they lasted the weekend! Well done little five embryo's! Keep growing, keep getting stronger, and then implant, implant, implant!

I have spent the last two days obsessing over their status. They may not be even visible to the naked eye, but to me they are my 5 little babies - so the thought of knowing that even one 'did not make it' is really hard.

My friend who is doing my acupuncture (I went to her again on Friday morning) also did acupressure and was actually visualising a healthy endometrium and thinking all these positive fertile thoughts while she was doing her massaging and 'pressing'. I tried to do the same every time 'they' came into my head. Maybe it worked, who knows, but I am slowly getting some confidence back about this cycle back.

I am running around with my Mother, and we are having the greatest time. We have lots of plans for this week, they may just not be that practical as I am going to have to chill just a bit after the Embryo Transfer. It is happening at 6.30 tommorrow evening.

Oh oh oh, and major news, WE CAUGHT THE MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My father in law had given me a rusted old mouse trap from 1922, he insisted that this would do the trick. And it did! We set it on Thursday evening before we went to bed, all of a sudden I hear this massive THWACK! and I knew. My mother and I walked out into the feilds next to our house today and let it free. It didn't go that smoothly, I thought I would just open the trap door and it would run straight out. It didn't, so I lent down and poked my head into the trap and saw it crouched at the back of the trap, I stood up and within a milisecond it sprinted out and did this whole running around in circles thing, over my shoes and over Noams shoes and then it vanished. It all happened so quickly I just couldn't keep track, I started freaking out because I just couldn't understood where it had gone, so I was frantically checking my pants and shoes. My mother was no help she was just laughing her head off.

So to end off, I send every ounce of love to my dear friend who had yet another let down. Please G-d it will happen next month.

Possible lift-off

Day 41
Crinone (Progesterone)

Ok, so we may have lift-off!

The week so far, most importantly my Mother arrived in Israel on Sunday morning to spend two weeks with us. So exciting! I went with the children to the airport early Sunday morning to get her, what fun. We have had an absolutely wonderful week, 5 days so far, and the clock is ticking, just not enough time. We have travelled a bit, laughed a lot and eaten a whole lot more.

So fertility update: Monday morning I had my bloods, Monday evening I had my ultrasound and miracle of miracles it actually revealed real follicles! Unfortunately it also revealed a new problem as well, I kind of glazed over half way through the Professors explanation because I am just sick of this. I blink and I have a new problem. The Professor is very NOT confident in this IVF cycle working, because of the Hydrosalpinx, now there seems to be some or other new problem with my endometrial lining and new adhesion's inside my ovaries or uterus or something. As I said, I glazed over, bottom line, either this works or it doesn't, if it doesn't I will be operated on post haste to fix it all up. So who really cares what is wrong now.

I have a Canadian friend on the Moshav who is an Acupuncturist, Chinese Medicine and Naturopath. I went to see her on Tuesday night, and she pricked and poked me in all the right places, to make me super-fertile. I am really not a friend of needles, no matter how thin, and I had forgotten how awful acupuncture in your legs and feet can be. Note to self: next time I am only agreeing to the stomach. She is going to continue treatment and hopefully it may all lead to a real-life pregnant me.

On Wednesday (yesterday) I went for the egg retrieval. It sounds so simple, I am not sure that it really is. The procedure is done under general anaesthetic, and with ultrasound direction each follicle is aspirated, hopefully aspirating an egg from each one. It only takes around a half hour to do, but I came around with a lot of pain, especially on my problematic lhs. This time around I felt really fine, no major grogginess, that only hit me later and a bit of nausea. The woman next to me was hurling her lungs out, which hardly encouraged me to eat the salad-roll they gave me. I had been fasting since the early morning, she hadn't.

The 5 eggs, were a bit of a let down, considering that I had been on a double dose of the FSH and LH and this was all I could muster. Previous attempts on half the dose I managed 7 and 9 eggs respectively. Anyway beggars can't be choosers.

I was instructed to go home with three days bed rest, and to call the Prof at 5pm today to find out my 5-egg status. Well, they ALL fertilised. What a great feeling! They did it!!! Now we just have to see where they will be in the days to follow, will their little cells carry on multiplying, or will they "not make it"? The plan for now is to call my Professor on Saturday night to find out how they are faring and hopefully we will have little embryos to replace on Sunday. Also he has decided that he will replace 3, he is very doubtful that 3 will 'make it', but if they all do and I actually fall pregnant with triplets (which really is unlikely), then he would do a foetal reduction. Not quite sure about that, but hey that is way way off. For now I have to last till Saturday evening. Step-by-step.

No more injections by the way. I am only on progesterone every day, but it is not an injectable.

Very tired still, a bit achy and sensitive, but happy that I have 5 possible little babies 'cooking' away in a laboratory in Tel Aviv.

Don't know what to think

Decapeptyl Injection day 35
Menogon Injection day 6

I still dont think it is working. No pain, no discomfort at all. I should be really bloated and uncomfortable by now, it is day 6. My translation is NO FOLLICLES. My fears, that the Professor aborts the whole cycle.

I will find out on Monday as that is another scan and blood day. I can't beleive that I have been doing this every single day for 35 days.

My mother arrives in Israel tommorrow morning, and we are all bursting with excitement. "Welcome Granny" Banners made, we are all (me and the children) off to the airport early tommorrow morning. House spic and span. No maid; me exhausted.

And scared, terrified that this has all been another total loss. Don't know what to think.

PS. Mouse is still winning. Cat/Rabbi/ electric devices/glue traps/poison/traps, all no use.

Human Menopausal Gonadotropins

Decapeptyl Injection- Day 32
Menogon Injection x 4 amps - Day 3

Maybe I am about to learn a hard lesson "You can't always get what you want" (thanks Rolling Stones).

I think maybe, just maybe my body is not quite exactly where it should be, something is wrong as I am not responding to the medication as I should be. The first two IVF's 'it' did all the right things, all according to 'plan', except the outcome ofcourse, hence IVF no.3. I went for my scan two days ago at my wonderful Professor man, and there was nothing, nada, zilch, no follicles whatsoever, this is after a 6-day-300 IUI dose of Gonal-F (a whopper dose). I actually had this funny feeling the whole 6 days of injections that there was no pressure building up. The daily growth of the follicles causes quite a lot of pressure and can get quite uncomfortable, I didn't feel anything all week. Interesting note, Gonal-F is a synthetic FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone), you also get a non-synthetic one which is made from the urine of post-menopausal women. Prof-man said that he thinks it is possible that the some of the medication I took was old, I am not convinced. He also said there is absolutely no connection with me not responding to the Decapeptyl injections, and the Gonal-F, apparently they are not connected. Anyway so we had to decide, either to increase the Gonal-F to 900 IUI's from 600 IUI's or, to switch to something called Menogon. We went with the Menogon. Menogon has FSH and LH (Lutenizing Hormone), and the hope is that I respond accordingly. The dosage is hectic and I am beginning to feel like a bit of a druggie. Just the preparation takes forever, firstly I am on 4 amps, which means mixing each amp, the liquid with the powder, then pulling all of it into a syringe, changing needles (long to short), and doing my stab-motion. The first night which was on Monday night after I got back from the gynae, I had an audience, my mother-in-law (she had been baby sitting), I just wanted to show-off my self-injecting, but I was not prepared for the pain. It is a killer-stinger injection, plus until last night, over 24 hours later, the injection site was all red and raised, like a bad bee-sting, and really sore. I 'googled' of course, and apparently it is oh so normal. I just have to alternate sides, so my fat roll under my belly-button is really looking worse for wear, 32 days of multiple injections, it looks like a war-zone. I wonder what stick-thin people do, I am fortunate as I am blessed with curves, so there is no lack of fat-rolls ever.

I 'googled' 'Menogon', and this was one of the results:

Human menopausal gonadotropins are a natural medication used to help induce ovulation in women with certain fertility issues. Human menopausal gonadotropins contain both LH (luteinizing hormone) and FSH (follicle stimulating hormone), hormones needed to help trigger ovulation. Human menopausal gonadotropins are found in the urine of postmenopausal women. They are removed from this urine, sterilized, and then used in fertility treatment.

So there you have it, I am injecting myself now with the wee of non-egg-making women. Great! Again, if it helps me to have more children, I would do anything.

Not sure if I mentioned it but the weekly art sessions, have evolved now into a proper class. We have an art teacher and all! So today was 'art day', I was with my one friend from Canada (who also lives on the Moshav), after our class - which produced a big, bright, pink and purple creation - we went to a Mall in Givatayim. Nice and big, and loads of shop selections. She questioned me over lunch, starting with: "You have two children, a boy and a girl, why do you feel this need to want more?" This question always makes me nervous, like I have to 'explain' myself again. Also, just by asking this question, I know the person does not share my "Walton-family" dream, and that's ok, I don't expect everyone to want what I want. I think this type of question makes me so uncomfortable because I probrably subconciously question myself and my motives as well, why do I want more children so badly?

Right now I have a beautiful bushy-haired peice of sunshine sleeping next to me, and another joy playing with his friend in the lounge. it is pouring with noisy, angry rain outside, winter has arrived in this sandy land. Yesterday the little radius of my life got a bit bigger, I got a wonderful surprise phone-call from a South African friend who had just arrived in Israel and was hoping we could get together, she is here for a week. I was so flattered that she wanted to spend her precious time here with me! I literally hopped in my car and punched in her address in my GPS and sped off to Tel Aviv to get her. My confidence is normally lacking when it comes to "venturing out into the unknown", but the prospect of seeing a friend from South Africa and speaking English, all my fears were tossed aside. We had the most stunning day, pouring rain one second and funny and sunny the next. I had thought we would probrably end up being near where she is staying and shmooze around there, turns out 'where she is staying' is a bit off the beaten track, so I brought her back here to the Moshav. I was able to tell her and show her some of the history of this special Moshav, and we went for lunch at a 'workers' restaurant in the nearby town of Yehud, where Uri's parents live. Delicious 'pargiyot belaffa', the best! I told her, that I felt like a little girl who has a friend to play for the first time, I just wanted to show her everything and tell her everything about my new life, I took her back to Tel Aviv at 7pm. It was a wonderful, wonderful day.

So I am off to dinner this evening with my arty friend and her husband, Uri has not met her husband yet, but they have loads in common, and I am sure we will have a great time. We are going to a 'meat' restaurant, we haven't had the greatest 'meat' experiences here, so hold thumbs.

Multi-tasking

Decapeptyl Injection Day 29
Gonal-F Injection Day 6

I can't believe I haven't written for 12 days. So much has happened. Where to start?

Ok firstly, husband arrived and then left again, it was touch-and-go for a second, as we thought we may have to freeze the 'donation', but he is back tomorrow evening from a quick China trip. The 'donation' will then be done safely and securely here in Israel, I might add in the tiniest most revolting little bathroom in Assuta Hospital. This is a Private Hospital and you might think that it would all be very fancy-shmansy, not the case. Very old and very off. The 'donation' room in question is this little loo, with one or two magazines with sexy adverts. That is all they give the poor 'donors' for 'assistance', no full page spreads, no sexy models conjuring up all sorts of erotic fantasies, just normal magazines with the odd 'spanish fly' advert. I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help myself. In Johannesburg my 'donor' had a whole suite ala 'Lazyboy' chair and a selection of porn which could make Hugh Hefner blush.

My whole IVF experience in South Africa was on a different level completely. It was all just so easy there, medication, blood tests, scans the whole fandango. And it all just looked good, beautiful consultation rooms, clean, and of course prompt service and friendly faces. Here they all just scare me. I have to do that whole psych-up thing, "be strong, don't be weak" and WHATEVER you do - do not cry! As I have blogged before I belong to a scheme which falls under National Health, Kupat Cholim, I am not doing the IVf through them for two reasons, firstly I have not been a member long enough to claim for fertility treatments, and secondly I would be covered 100% if it was my first child, but due to this being my 'little quest' for no.3, I do not have that privilege. So as a private patient it is quite a battle trying to find a pharmacy that will sell medication to me as a 'private', or, they can sell to me, but they don't have stock. Mission, mission, mission! It is a drama each time. I have already explained about the blood-tests (and my 'superior status')which are a very regular happening on this IVF train, every few days. Tomorrow I have to go for bloods again 7.30 am. The scans are another story which usually coincide with bloods, I can either go to a Kupat Cholim branch (full of those rude old aggressive ladies) or I can go directly to Assutta, or of course to my favourite Professor. Tommorrow evening I will be going to him again.

Way back in Feb/March this year in Johannesburg, the IVF Clinic that I went to did the loveliest most gimmicky thing ever. When they put the two carefully chosen embryos back into you, they give you a picture of them. Two beautiful round little 8 cell, 3 day old embryos. It is a stunning thing to see, and then of course to imagine them actually becoming your little babies, real people. Well it didn't happen that time, but I carried that picture around with me for ages. 'They' decided to un-implant at 6 weeks, maybe the stress and trauma of everything that was happening in March was just too much. Or maybe they were just not my two little souls. Here in Israel the whole "Embryo transfer" was far less pretty. Walk into 'transfer' room (wearing standard hospital blue gown - done up at the back), sit in stirrup chair (from 1912), open legs, and then ... relax, not. Embryo's transferred, get up and walk back to special reception room, sit in broken Lazyboy chair for 10 mins, then go home. And no keepsake. I am waiting for the oh-so private Assuta Hospital to send me one of those cutesy little cards where you get to rate service/professionalism. I am fully aware that it's going to be a long wait.

So, where am I now? I am still an injection-queen, today is my 29th day of injecting myself, and I ROCK! I finally started the Gonal-F, 10 days over schedule, I inject the Gonal-F at night, and still the Decapeptyl in the morning. Tonight was my 6th Gonal day, so tomorrow is just standard procedure, ie the bloods and scan, and probably I will be given a lesser dose for a few days and then the trigger (for the follicles to mature and be ready to release the eggs) and then back to Assuta for the "Egg Retrieval", anaesthetic and all. Yummy! I have no idea when this is going to happen, this is a slow process and everything depends on my reaction to all the medications. My mother is coming, yay, in a week, so unfortunately she may have to play her usual "Florence Nightingale" role with me again. I thought originally that she would be with me with I get my pregnancy test results, but with the whole 10 day delay thing, it is not going to happen.

So what else happened these past 12 days, oh, Uri's parents house was broken into. Turns out the Holy Land is not so Holy. The house was totally trashed, every cupboard, draw, shelf, bed, everything was tossed and ransacked. It was not a pleasant sight, and walking into the chaos took me back to a very ugly and scary place in my head from 9 months ago. They were fortunate because nothing much of value was taken, it was mostly just a mess and thankfully valuables left in their undiscovered hiding places. My little 'bubble' gets burst a little bit more when I hear another story of a robbery or car theft (my sister-in-laws car was stolen outside a hospital where she was visiting her dying father). There are stories of mafia-type murders, and very rarely rape. I guess you have to be careful where ever you are. I still don't lock my car doors when I am driving, or front door when I am home, also I don't have burglar bars or burglar alarm at home. I am still enjoying this type of normality, I hope it doesn't change.

My painting is going great, we now have a proper teacher, she came this last Thursday and we painted in my friends back garden. I really thought I did a mini-masterpeice, but my self confidence came a-tumbling when the teacher told me that I still have lots of work to do on it. In the meantime 'it' has centre-stage on the wall in my lounge. Even Adam said it was great, stupid art teacher, what does she know anyway.

The cat has been named, Balu, still not sure of the gender, so it 'swings both ways' for now, sometimes 'he' is 'she' and sometimes 'she' is 'he'. Still allergic to its' self, sneezes and snots all the time. And totally and utterly useless mouse-hunter, catcher and eater. The mouse is still reigning here. Still pooping all over the place. I was so desperate last week that I went to Bnei Brack (very religious Jewish neighbourhood) and finally found the Rabbi's picture, I came home so confidently KNOWING that this was going to do the trick. Also, totally useless. With Rabbi Shayale Krestia's grave stare on him, the mouse does little mouse flik-flaks and poops right in front of the picture! And I really had faith in him, my Mouse-Rabbi. Useless!

So talking about Rabbi's and faith etc, I did my 'thing' this past Shabbat. I decided to take that leap into being a better Jew. I observed my Sabbath. From sun-down Friday night to sun-down Saturday night I did not drive, watch tv, cook, turn on electricity, etc. It really wasn't that hard, I made a few mistakes, but I guess that is normal for first-timers, it was just me and the children. Friday night Noam fell asleep early, and it wasn't really the way it should have been, no husband and no Kiddush. Saturday was great, some friends came around with their children in the morning and then I went to my arty-friend for lunch, I only got back home at 6pm. I walked to my friend, obviously, she lives on the moshav as well, by the time we were walking home it was pitch dark. There is just the most wonderful atmosphere here, like one big happy family. Walking home last night, there were other families walking, people jogging and rollerblading or skateboarding, and Adam and Noam shouting 'hi' to their friends as we walked past houses. It is a lovely feeling to be here and to live like this. Evenings and days' like yesterday make up for all the rude old ladies, dirty old 'private' hospitals and mice.

And then today I cleaned my house from top to bottom, my twice-weekly-illegal-Chinese-maid has not pitched for two weeks. It is really a problem here, there just is no labour, there are no people hanging around street corners desperate for jobs. There is a lot of illegal labour here, but if you are caught employing an illegal you get a hefty fine. My neighbour was just bust, she had employed a Philippine woman for 7 years and she just got caught. I just don't want to take a chance, so if Wei-wei decides to pitch up, she doesn't know it yet, but she will be out of a job. So I am back to being the maid/nanny/gardener and cook. Fortununatley I am a woman so I can multitask.

On and on and on....

Decapeptyl injection - Day 18

So no major news flash, I wasn't pregnant. I was so sure I wasn't, but when I went on-line to get my results I still stopped breathing for a split second hoping and praying with everything in me that by some miracle I was. Over the past two-and-a-bit years I have lost count of how many urine dip-stick pregnancy tests/blood tests I have done. I used to buy the dip-stick ones in bulk, testing on the day I should get my period, and around every half hour thereafter, until I actually did eventually start. So, whilst on the topic my innards, the story is as follows. I went for an ultrasound with my Professor Man (just love him) it was a quick in-and-out, literally and figuratively. I have to wait another day or two until I get my period properly, and in the meantime I just have to carry on with my daily injection (the one that is still shutting down the Pituitary Gland) - the day after I start bleeding properly I will start injecting the Gonal-F as well (the one that makes the follicles). Then hopefully it will be full-speed-ahead. This Decapeptyl stage is just dragging on and on and on, I am not sure why I have not reacted to it as well as I did the two times before, I should have already started the Gonal-F last week. I don't like it when things don't go according to how I think they should, it just unsettles me. And I was feeling so confident about this IVF, and now this whole set-back has given me a bit of a wobbly. I guess it is not helping that besides the fact that I haven't actually started my period properly, I still feel very menstrual. Tired, irritated, impatient, not talking, exhausted, in my own world, just want to be left alone - kind of place.

The whole fertility procedure here is very insensitive. In Johannesburg, the fertility doctor that I was seeing would only continue to see a woman, if she fell pregnant, up until 3 months. Here my fertility man sees all and sundry until whenever they want. So I have to be surrounded by these exquisite beautifully ripe pregnant tummies, half the women there last night were about to burst, I didn't know where to look. Just being exposed to everybody elses fertility makes me more aware of my own barrenness. And on top of that, there is a little room with one of those Doppler machines, where a strap is strapped onto a pregnant woman's stomach and the foetuses heartbeat is monitored. The sound is always on full-blast so I have to sit there yesterday with my day 17 raw emotions and listen to somebody elses beautiful babies doof-doof-du-du-doofing of their heart. I have to see 'them' and I have to hear 'them'. Usually, in my every day life I can just remove myself but there is no-where to run in a tiny little Doctors' waiting room.

Before the scan I had to go for this interview for the support group. I met the lady who is going to be running the group. It will be for 10 weeks, once a week. I had my reservations about the whole thing. Main reason, I don't want to go into a group with childless people. I just am not sure whether you can mix-up people like me with people who don't have children at all. I told the interviewer how I felt and she said she really did not think that it mattered, I want something and I cannot get it, the same applies to child-less couples. They have invited only 8 people to be a part of this group, and I am flattered that I was asked, there is apparently one lady other than me who has other children.

Uri has to go again. Back to China. He needs a donation-date, which I can't give him.

I hope I start proper bleeding today so I can start the Gonal-F already!

Watching my flowers grow

I wrote a whole long Blog, mostly dedicated to the return of my snoring husband and my lack of sleep. I re-read it and it sounded very anti-husband, so I am rewriting this Blog.

I love my husband dearly but I cannot sleep in the same room/bed/hemisphere with him. I have a, some may call strange, little ritual that I follow before actually switching off the lights at night. I need absolute quiet and total darkness, essential components to a good nights sleep. Firstly - I have a special pillow, second - silicone earplugs, third - green, now rag, of a t-shirt covering my eyes, and lastly NO stand-by lights. You know, the little light on the tv/dvd/vcr that is on in stand-by mode. I have to pull out the tv and dvd plugs from the wall so there is no irritating light on, it will disturb my sleep. I know I am odd, but we all have our issues. Enter newly-reunited-with-his-family snoring husband. I have slept like a baby for the last month, and now, I am back to nodding-off-mid-sentence mode. We tried the first two nights. It didn't go very well. You get Apologetic Snorers (like my Mom) and then you get Aggressive Snorers, my beloved husband is the latter. Huffing puffing moaning indignation at any reference to his snoring, I usually starts with delicate little pats, followed by "Doll, you're snoring, please roll over", this sweet little version of me soon changes to She-Devil Lianne, pushing, shoving, shouting, pleading, kicking, boxing. Nothing works, with every breath it is just a constant attack at me. How come snorers don't know that they snore??? It is an absolute anomaly to me how he can be talking to me in one breath and making these ghastly guttural noises with the next. Every noise shuddering through my body. In the early hours of the morning, after hours and hours of this constant barrage, I can truly understand people committing some or other heinous crime. Just to make it stop! Sad to say I encourage Uri to 'watch tv' in the lounge, as it is a 'given' that he will fall asleep there, and I can happily sleep away, separately. Such Bliss! I get so easily used to my own independance and self reliance, it always takes me a day or two to get back into couple-dom.

Uri arrived home on Friday morning, Friday afternoon there was a stunning Moshav Fun Day that the teenagers of the Moshav put together, horse-rides, ice-cream, drum circle, bonfire, guitar players, stilt walkers, clay corner, painting, and loads more. It was really lovely, I had a nice mushy feeling of belonging here. Adam and Noam were in their element as all their friends were there, neither wanted to leave. In the sand they had created a mini-map of the Moshav, and each child made with clay their own house and then added it to the 'map'. I like this place.

Friday night we were at Uri's parents. Nothing earth-shattering there. This coming Friday, Yay, we are having Friday night here, it will be my first proper Erev-Shabbat in our new home, so looking forward to it. Uri's parents are celebrating their millionth wedding anniversary, they were married when my mother-in-law was around 16. I think they are going away for a naughty weekend to the Dead Sea, good for them for being naughty! So the usual crowd of Uri's siblings are invited, I hope it will be nice.

This past Saturday I had the dreaded conversation with Uri regarding trying to 'do a bit more' to 'feel a bit more Jewish', long story, but I don't think I have him on board. Not quite sure how I am going to proceed. Will keep you posted.

Regarding cat, Sunday has come and gone, and it is still alive. He (I think) is really sweet, very loving, and just wants attention all the time. He has not dared to venture out the house yet, he just cruises inside, happy in the knowledge that he is fed and taken care of. Also I think he may be allergic to himself, is that possible? He sneezes and sniffs all the time. Noam's choice of name 'Yo-yo' changed this morning to 'Jo-jo', that and Adams' suggestion of 'Tom' are neither a hit with me. I sent them off to school this morning with the task of thinking up both a female and male name for the cat. Later today, depending on my blood test results, I will take the cat to the vet and establish the cat's gender, and sort out the sniffs and snots.

About the blood-tests, once again wonderful experience, me Emla'd up, poor nurse faced with about 20 Israelis all vying to gain entry into her little sanctuary. From the crowd she picks out one or two faces, mine being one of them and sais, "Boi tikansi ut", translated verbatim, "Come in you" (such finesse). Ofcourse I proudly, head held high, smug look (of note) on my face, push my way through the little crowd. As an IVF patient I have 'status'! I have thought long and hard about my possible pregnant predicament, I am 99.9% NOT pregnant, but if I was ovulating on day 19 or day 20, maybe there is a 0.1% chance. With a husband who is away from home a lot, you get 'good-bye sex', and 'hello sex'. Remember the trip to China, and the home for a day and a half, and the the trip to SA? Need I say more? This was the 'hello' and the 'goodbye'. So I guess there is a chance, miraculously. I should get the results later today then, if it is negative, all Progesterone and Estrogen levels will also be where they should be, ie really low. And I will be able to start the Follicle Stimulating Hormones and make lots and lots of little follicles.

Blood taken, I rushed off, got the children, dropped them off at school, and then went for a lovely walk with my one arty-friend. I have to buckle up the children nowadays, apparently last week the police were cruising the Moshav and stopping mothers who were not wearing seat belts and checking that children were belted up and in safety seats. They take it all very seriously. A while back after we moved in, Uri and I went with Uris' uncle, Menashe, to Ikea to get some more furniture. On the way back on the highway I was sitting at the back of the car, a traffic policeman drove past and noticed that I had no belt on and pulled us over. Very Israeli-aggressive, he demanded to know why I wasn't wearing my belt, and why Menashe (the driver) had not been a responsible driver and made sure that me as his passenger had my seat belt on. The whole event lasted close on a half an hour, the policeman radioing in the registration number, checking all our identity documents, etc. Also there was a problem with Menashe. I think someone must have told him when he was much younger that he had a lovely smile, and he probably used it to get himself out of sticky situations. Well this was his Modus Operandi on said day. He just smiled and smiled, trying to get us out of what we had gotten into. It did not help. The point-system is used here, and if you get a ticket you also get points against your drivers licence, if you get enough points your drivers licence is taken away from you. Not a pleasant prospect. So with all of Menashes' grinning, the policeman concluded that he must be drunk, and made him take a breathalyser test. So you don't want to mess with the Traffic Police here, no such thing as bribing anybody with a can of coke, no way!

It's so easy making friends when you are young, at my ripe old age it is not. You can't just walk up to someone you like the look of and say "Hi, can I be your friend?" You would look like a screaming-sociopath. And especially here, the spikes would come out. Israel is full of "Sabra's", meaning prickly-pear, a simile used to describe Israelis, hard and prickly on the outside; soft and sweet on the inside. I am lucky as I really enjoy my own company, I can be a social-butterfly, but I am as happy in my own skin and with my own self. I am finding that the best way to meet people and carve my way is through my children. I meet the parents of their friends, sometime there is chemistry and sometimes not, same as anywhere in the world, and in life. So there is chemistry with this one new friend I have made, I really like her, she is young and fun, and we have a lot in common, her husband also travels a lot, she likes to walk and she likes to paint. She is gentle, spiritual, open about her feelings and she talks. We speak Hebrew which I find a bit restrictive, but she doesn't seem to mind my blundering. There is a sadness to her as well, her mother died when she was 15, and I think quite understandably that is a real issue. She lives in a beautiful Templer home.

This Moshav has a wonderful history which you see everywhere. Around 1899 these German christians, called Templers (not the ones from the Da Vinci Code) came to Israel to build a Christian Colony here, like my mother they had a deep spiritual love for Israel. One of the places they started up was here. It was originally called Wilhemla, after Kaizer Wilhelm, they thrived agriculturally and supplied goods for the Israeli market, unfortunately with the outbreak of the Second World War they were expelled due to their allegiance to Hitler. They left, but their beautiful homes remained. Full of stories and history, some are now crumbling and some have been restored. It was these houses that made me fall in love with this Moshav.

Google "Israel Templer Wilhelma" and go to the wikikpedia entry, it is the first result displayed, or try http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Templers_(religious_believers) to find out more information, also take not of the picture of the "Templers in Wilhelma Community" picture, the building in the background is Adam and Noams school now.

So back to my life, I am going to go and watch my flowers grow, and try not to think about the blood test results.